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[ Circuit ] Colonel Mustered By Col. Roger Riddell O n an otherwise normal day back in January, I was doing what pretty much everyone else does on Facebook — peering into other people's lives, discovering details I'm not sure why I care to know in the first place — when something caught my eye. Posted on a friend's page was a picture of her newly awarded Kentucky Colonel certificate. "I'm about to be one soon," I commented matter-of-factly. I had to get one. My friend wasn't even done with her undergraduate stud- ies yet (though she had amassed a few impres- sive awards during her stint editing Te Cardi- nal, U of L's student newspaper). Twenty min- utes later, she shot back, "What, are they just handing these out now?! 'Here are your drinks and some bread. While you're looking over the menu, here are some complimentary Kentucky Colonel titles'?" Turned out she had a point (sort of). I al- ways figured I would have to become some sort of local celebrity or perform some great public service to become a Kentucky Colonel, but as my grandfather had informed me just days ear- lier, you basically only have to know a Colonel who will vouch for you. In fact, the Kentucky Colonels' website lists the only requirements for being commissioned a Colonel as being 18 or older and getting recommended by someone else holding the title. In that case, I guess "grad- uate of prestigious Northwestern University/ starving freelance writer" works well enough. So what's so special about being a Kentucky Colonel? I was unfamiliar with the title until high school, when I read Hunter S. Tomp- son's famous 1970 Scanlan's Monthly piece "Te Kentucky Derby Is Decadent and Depraved." In it, he jokingly describes Kentucky Colonels to illustrator Ralph Steadman as "men in white linen suits vomiting in the urinals" of the club- house men's room. Tese were true Southern gentlemen, I told myself. Men of distinction. One even imagines a Spies Like Us-type of sce- nario with Colonels wandering Millionaire's Row, cigars and bourbon in hand, nodding and greeting one another nonchalantly. "Colonel." Nod. "Colonel." Nod. "Colonel." Nod. I felt a Gatsby-esque urge to join the club. My grandfather, retired Master Sgt. Charles Combs, received his original commission as a Colonel in 1953, shortly after return- ing from the prisoner camps following the Korean War. He lost the original certificate, though, and had to get a replacement. If I'm not mistaken, my other three grandparents all hold Colonel commissions on the ba- sis of various public services. With that in mind, do not mistake my jest for a lack of appreciation for the title. After months of prodding, my grandfa- ther contacted a friend who also happens to be a retired Hardin County judge, and that friend put my grandfather in touch with state Rep. Jimmie Lee (D-25th District), whose own Kentucky Colonel certificate, signed by former Gov. Julian Carroll, is proudly framed and displayed in his office. I provided Lee with my educational back- ground, address and career goals (to become widely recognized outside of my own mind as the best-known writer from Louisville since Hunter Tompson and the sexiest man from Kentucky since George Clooney or Johnny Depp — both of whom are Colo- nels). Within a week, I was picking up my certificate of Colonelhood from Lee's Eliza- bethtown office. Te Kentucky Colonel title dates back to the oft-overlooked War of 1812, which actually lasted into 1815 and could better be called "Te British Empire Strikes Back." Te first Kentucky Colonel was appointed as an aide-de-camp to Gov. Isaac Shelby in 1813. "Prior to (the Civil War), it was an actual military position," says Col. Glen Bastin, senior ambassador of the Honorary Order of Kentucky Colonels, adding that the position came with some level of mili- tary authority during its first 40 to 50 years of existence. Te Honorable Order of Kentucky Colo- nels, as it exists today, was founded in 1931 by a group of people who received appoint- ments in the 1800s. "Te governor at the www.actorstheatre.org [14] LOUISVILLE MAGAZINE 11.12 Illustration by Garrett McGill