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ymcacamppiomingo.com LOUISVILLE MAGAZINE 4.17 41 three-year-old Thoroughbreds, just like Derby Day is no typical day at the track for fans. The first time I attended the Derby was 2005. I was in the glory of my mid- 20s. Long (and forgettable) story short: I hooked up with some former college baseball teammates and cracked my first beer around 8:30 a.m. In horse terms, we might as well have been zipping through an opening quarter-mile in 21 seconds. The onslaught continued round after round in the infield sun. By race time, I was back at my apartment on the couch with a cold rag on my head, watching 50-1 shot Giacomo take home the roses. Fittingly, Giacomo sat patiently behind a furious pace and came charging home with energy to spare. Rank This one is a little more subtle than some of the other racetrack idioms, and possibly more difficult to connect to human track etiquette, but hear me out. A horse who is clearly fighting the jockey's restraint in the early stages of a race is referred to as "rank." They are easy to spot because they carry their heads cockeyed and do not appear comfortable or happy with the way the metal bit is positioned in their mouths. Simply put, a rank horse is one who wants to "zig" while the jockey is trying to "zag." The horse-jockey synergy is broken, and a poor finish is almost certain. The whole scenario seems to me a perfect metaphor for couples attending Oaks/ Derby together. The day starts with great intentions and the prospect of fun, but the track can be a hard place for two people — particularly of the opposite sex — to coexist. Inevitably, one partner wants to drink/ gamble and one wants to look pretty/enjoy the crowd. And these roles aren't always gender specific. Again, you've got the zig/ zag phenomenon going. I've seen more than a handful of guys fighting their wives' restraint and carrying their heads cockeyed as they head for the exit. Poor finish certain. Changing Leads Here's a horse nuance that is much easier to explain in human terms. All horses compete around left-hand (or counterclockwise) turns in North America and are thus trained to lead with their left hooves hitting the ground before the right. When straightened away for the stretch drive, jockeys give their mounts a cue to change to their right lead, which often gives the horse added acceleration before tiring. Remember I mentioned women on the muscle in heels? Like a skilled jockey, the crafty female Oaks-/Derby-goer knows how to change leads or, as the ladies call it: bring a pair of flats. Either way, changing leads and changing shoes are the best way to get to the Churchill Downs finish line.