Louisville Magazine is Louisville's city magazine, covering Louisville people, lifestyles, politics, sports, restaurants, entertainment and homes. Includes a monthly calendar of events.
Issue link: https://loumag.epubxp.com/i/300717
11 2 LOUISVILLE MAGAZINE 5.14 Buying a house can unravel into a maddening slog. Tere's the moment you realize avail- able homes in your price range are not in the neighborhood you desire but, rather, "within minutes." And then, oh!, you spot the cutest little bungalow online, only to scroll through pictures and see cigarette burns in the carpet, tulip-print wallpaper in the kitchen and wood paneling. So much wood paneling. Perhaps the most soul-crushing revelation of all arrives when your realtor informs you that the online mortgage calculator you've been using exists only to deceive. Tack on about $200 to the fbs that calculator spits out. THAT'S your monthly mortgage payment. Fortunately, realtors provide great comic relief during this process … even if they don't mean to. Home descriptions that accompany fiers and online listings — those paragraphs intended to tempt potential buyers — prove that when realtors sit at the keyboard, the frst instinct toward nabbing that commission is: urgency. Do they take the time to even read these things? We're not sure. But enjoy some of our favorite examples of writing, realtor style. It's all 100-percent real, pulled from cur- rent local listings. Oh, the mipslellings. "From the moment you open the front door you are going to love the small of 'new' every- where: carpet, paint, doors and foor … Call for appt. today. Won't last. Seller is mtivated." (Misspelling aside, who doesn't love the smell of a new door?) "Mrs. Clean livers here!" "First shwongs on Sunday." "Wonandquot;t last long!" SO MANY CAPITAL LETTERS! "BEAUTIFUL HOME!" "REDUCED PRICE!!!" "NO SIGN, DO NOT APPROACH TENANTS!!!" "Total FACELIFT!" "NOT HAUNTED!!!" (Totally haunted. Built in 1896. Located in Old Louisville. Scrag- gly trees out front. And one of the pictures of the home's interior shows eight crosses hanging around an old organ. A musical organ, not a human organ, but still: totally haunted.) Thanks for the honesty. "Tis is a 0 bedroom, vacant land home." "Good property for investor or anyone with potential vision." "Welcome home to this diamond in the rough." "Almost new refrigerator." "Basically in good shape with mechanicals working properly." "Tis place needs work, and the price refects that." Lies! And truth-stretching. "Tis gem is a frst time home buyer's dream home! Centrally located in downtown Louis- ville." (Tis home is on North 41st Street.) "A real cream puf." (Te picture of this home shows a white box wearing a chain-link girdle, plopped on a patch of dead grass. NOT a cream puf.) "Cozy little start." (Six hundred square feet in Crescent Hill) "Pre-loved, user-friendly." (Dump) Strange selling points. "Te One Car Garage has a Garage Door Opener!" "Kitchen with nook. Kitchen nook and baths tile foors." "Rooms upstairs to be used for your impor- tant purposes." "Slave quarters in tact" (It's a historic Old Louisville mansion. We're assuming the realtor meant "intact." Or maybe that was an attempt at discreetness?) Most depressing. (A foreclosure.) "Sweet cottage rehabbed by owner/occu- pant - newer furnace, roof, electric, kitchen, bamboo fooring. Large lot, close to play- ground, dead end street. Seller hates to leave his home, but life marches on." Most verbose. (We found an Infnite Jest-length description of a ritzy num- ber off River Road. Excerpts follow.) "Deal Crashed due to Financing at 11th Hour!! Back on Market with Immediate Sale Needed! … City chic... River cool! You really CAN have the BEAT OF ALL worlds! An elegant refned living space … Let's say you're in it for the GARAGE - this is the Cadillac of garages … for your recreational vehicles, SUVs, boats and extra deep...there's even a workshop/mower space in the back - what a great feature! "Let's say you're in it for the living space - ok - notice that the entire house has been freshly painted in tranquil designer colors, crown molding has been added in the LR/ DR, kitchen & Master BR along with several gorgeous new light fxtures! … Te rustic kitchen island is negotiable. In addition, there's a substantial dining area for you to enjoy entertaining a crowd for having a ro- mantic dinner for 2 … Te attached full bath with new light fxtures opens to a sizeable walk-in closet. On the same foor are two additional large bedrooms (wall mounted TV armoire in the 2nd BR remains with the house) and another full bath! Coming down- stairs to the 1st foor over the garage you'll fnd a comfortable Family Room/Ofce combination. A new European-Style MINI- SPLIT ($4000 value) has just been installed/ this is a permanent unit to keep this space toasty warm in the winter and icy cool in the summer … As an added bonus, cofee table & 46 in fat screen TV in this room remain with the house. As an even bigger bonus, an approximately 2 year old GENERATOR also remains with the home (yeah...that's handy)... think THUNDER OVER LOUIS- VILLE, sunsets & soothing water views!" Best fnish. "Ample storage space, two-car garage. All the comforts of home – and much more, namely." Real Talk, Realtor Style By Anne Marshall 80-112 BACK.indd 112 4/18/14 11:37 AM