Louisville Magazine

MAR 2014

Louisville Magazine is Louisville's city magazine, covering Louisville people, lifestyles, politics, sports, restaurants, entertainment and homes. Includes a monthly calendar of events.

Issue link: https://loumag.epubxp.com/i/267865

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Page 122 of 124

1 2 0 LOUISVILLE MAGAZINE 3.14 More potholes mean more construction work! Think of it as more jobs for the local economy, not more traffc, you Debbie Downer. Your car could be a salt lick for desperate cows. So, according to a little online research, a cold snow-flled winter actually helps insulate and hydrate soil. Hence, nicer spring and summer. You know the old saying: February ice storms and brain-piercingly cold days bring May fowers. With all these snow days to make up, we're moving ever closer to educators' dreams of year-round school. Twenty degrees is the new 50 degrees. Seriously, anything above 32 degrees now feels like the tropics. Darryl "The Hammer" Isaacs should have lots of new business. Baby boom comin' up. Maybe now's the time to buy stock in Netfix. We've learned how to deal with lowered expectations. The other day, the sandwich guy dropped off a turkey-and-guacamole — hey, we're not getting out in this stuff — and, when we asked how it was outside, he said, enthusiastically, "It's not awful!" When it turns really cold, rodents burrow into the walls of your house. You trap them, then let them go free in the country. So city animals get a vacation in the country. Don't know who told us this. Sounds suspicious. But, go mice! It's a great time to open a shoe store. Sales should go through the roof after all those pairs we've ruined in the slush. Yeah, right, as if you put on snowshoes. So it turns out that really bad movie The Day After Tomorrow, about the insta-climate change that turned the upper half of the United States into, um, Louisville in winter, was more than just a really bad movie. It was a documentary. Seasonal affective disorder is an actual thing, and now we can all use it as rationale for (a) drinking more bourbon (b) acting like a grouchy putz and (c) drinking more bourbon. This winter produced two entries in the Offcial Weatherman Lexicon of Overused Phrases: "thunder snow" and "polar vortex." Don't fret, "black ice," you're still popular, too. Cold = cover your face = we're on the cusp of a beard boom! It'll make Jim James trendier than ever. Unfortunately, so too the Duck Dynasty people, who live in hot, humid, beard-unfriendly Louisiana. Go fgure. Snow and ice have provided the ideal excuse not to follow through on that whole New Year's resolution to jog more. Safety frst! Because the winter was so icky, the weather for Derby will be idyllic, right? RIGHT?!?!?! All that cold, thin winter air builds up lungs and conditions them to breathe better for coming seasons. Defeating asthma one frozen breath at a time. Kentucky Kingdom should really name one of its roller coasters the Polar Vortex. Winter static and hot hair tools don't mix. So because you aren't using those straighteners, curlers and blow-dryers for fear of clingy strands, come springtime your hair will look better than ever. Which reminds us: You've fnally come to terms with hat hair. It's kind of your look. Summer skull cap, anyone? You've built up those quads from "skiing" down Cherokee Park's Dog Hill on an Amazon box with two sticks for poles. (We actually saw someone doing this. Killer quads.) Your ankles can still "walk it off" after falling and twisting them on a patch of ice. Say, anybody know where we can score some Vicodin? You learned how to properly tie a scarf. Operation Bright Side We here at the Department of Positive Thinking recently received an email from "somebody who should know" that this year's endless, and endlessly awful, winter may help reduce mosquitoes this summer. Sounds truth-y enough to us. And we're all in on any actual benefts that might come from this winter hell. Excuse us — this winter wonderland. Here are just a few ways that demon Old Man Winter will have made our lives better in the months to come. 84-120 BACK.indd 120 2/20/14 12:40 PM

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