Louisville Magazine is Louisville's city magazine, covering Louisville people, lifestyles, politics, sports, restaurants, entertainment and homes. Includes a monthly calendar of events.
Issue link: https://loumag.epubxp.com/i/53439
[Bob Hill] Slow Burned M y first true awareness of the Rich Guy came about 30 years ago when I was driving through northern Mississippi to get to my folks' house for Christmas. Te trip was about 400 miles in distance — a recurring theme in my life in which family always seems about eight hours, three rest stops and two navigational arguments away — and I still had about 30 miles to go. Te sun was creeping down below the piney woods amid a northern Mississippi landscape that comes in two shades in winter: red clay and dull green kudzu. Te narrow highway was straight as a string, but as it cut through the endless low hills, there were only rhythmic stretches of its rise and fall visible in the distance — a twilight journey along a serpent's back. It was only then that an old guy in a battered pickup truck pulled out in front of me and proceeded down the impassable highway at precisely 32 miles an hour. Te Rich Guy was at work. No, the Rich Guy wasn't driving the truck; he had hired the old guy to drive the truck, to sit there every day in late will listen for free at dinner parties — at least for about 45 seconds. Sure, the word "paranoid" does invariably creep into these conversations. But how else to explain a lifetime of interrupted journeys? And until the Rich Guy backs off — and he seems to have enough money to tell Donald Trump to sit down, shut up and get a haircut — it's a paranoia I'm going to have to grapple with. I imagine others have adopted the same psychosis: Having someone or something to blame for anything that gets in your way seems to be a staple of the human condition. "Honey, you're 45 minutes late, where have you been?" "Ah, geez, it was the Rich Guy." Look at the bright side — the Rich Guy is hiring tens of thousands of very dedicated, capable people at a time of high unemployment. He's obviously paying them well, with full benefits, vacation time and even dental insurance just to patiently wait for years at intersections — and lately even lines at the movies or the post office — for people like me to show up. Somewhere out there is a very, very, very rich guy who pays people to wait until I show up to block my path. December — 24 hours a day, seven days a week — until I came into view. I would not be allowed to drive that last 30 miles — white-knuckled, bleary-eyed and loudly wondering why God had invented old men, pickups and kudzu — in less than an hour. Had this happened only once it could be more easily explained as bad luck. But it became a recurring theme on trips south — admittedly a mecca for old guys in battered pickup trucks. Ten the same began happening on my journeys north, east and west. It wasn't just old men in pickup trucks, either. Old women in Dodge Darts would pull out in front of me, or tattooed beefy guys behind the wheel of beer trucks — and always on narrow, impassable stretches of road. So over time — and I had lots of it to spare — I came up with my Rich Guy Teory of Life Impediments: Somewhere out there — and I have suffered his enmity all over the world — is a very, very, very rich guy who pays people to wait until I show up to block my path. I don't know why he has it in for me — although, if pushed politically, I suppose I am somewhat opposed to unemployed millionaires getting food stamps. Yes, of course I have discussed this theory with my family, my friends and any counselor, therapist or psychologist who [88] LOUISVILLE MAGAZINE 2.12 WARNING: Te Rich Guy is already involved in your life. If you must travel the alleged Hurstbourne Parkway, take a good look at the other drivers. Te ones who look anxious, angry or even homicidal are your fellow commuters. Te cool-looking ones with the smiles on their faces are working for the Rich Guy; they're already on overtime. Have you ever waited awkwardly in line in the lobby at the Kentucky Center for the Arts to use the bathrooms and wondered how 200 people got ahead of you so quickly? At least 150 of those people are working for the Rich Guy; they lurk outside on the steps until intermission, drinking water, and then rush indoors. Tey also get free tickets to all the center's performances on nights they are not working the bathroom detail. Here's the real kicker. Te Rich Guy — go figure — has been at work helping plan the new East End Bridge. Te latest cost-cutting version — based on traffic estimates as reliable as Sherman Minton bridge inspectors — will initially reduce a very busy interstate highway down to two lanes in each direction, the same as the Clark Memorial Bridge. trucks are already starting to line up. Te rest of you better pack a lunch. All this to speed traffic flow. Te old guys in pickup Q