Louisville Magazine is Louisville's city magazine, covering Louisville people, lifestyles, politics, sports, restaurants, entertainment and homes. Includes a monthly calendar of events.
Issue link: https://loumag.epubxp.com/i/250528
Figure skater Mitch McConnell Every Olympics needs a sweetheart, like Michelle Kwan or Gabby Douglas. Jennifer Lawrence is an obvious candidate. But she's hit or miss on climbing stairs. Not a natural athlete. Beloved WAVE anchor Dawne Gee? She's a cancer survivor who hands out fstfuls of cash to needy viewers in her "Pass the Cash" segment. Bob Costas could grind full schmaltz on that backstory. On second thought, she's a natural ft for lighting the torch. Louisvillympians By Anne Marshall M idsize cities, including Louisville, need to cling to big-city aspirations. It's our cardio. It helps us appear healthy, sleek. (I'm looking at you too, Nashville, Tenn., and Charlotte, N.C.) Tey incorporate suburbs to swell population counts. Tey Manhattan-ize shopping "districts." (Ex: South Fourth Street morphs to SoFo.) It's a fact that, moments ago, someone in some midsize city christened a neighborhood "sorta like Brooklyn," simply due to the per-capita ratio of slouchy, stubbly men and pre-Prohibition cocktails. And good for Louisville for chasing urban glory. Tis quirky river city deserves respect! With that said, let's get real. Louisville will never carry enough clout to nab a monumental global event. Te National Farm Machinery Show? You bet. Te Olympic Games? No. Folks, we can't even get an NBA team to take us out to dinner. Still, a website exists devoted to luring the 2024 Summer Games here. A Facebook page touting the same goal foats online with 4,025 "likes." Keep at it, kids. For now, how about we settle for shipping Louisville to this month's 2014 Winter Games in Sochi, Russia? Let's cast familiar faces in Olympic spaces. Here goes: 96 LOUISVILLE MAGAZINE 2.14 We vote for state Rep. Jim Wayne, a politician with a good heart (you read that right) who uses his ofce to stand up for low-income Louisvillians. Plus, that face? Sweet as banana puddin'. Having trained extensively on, uh, the slopes of Cherokee Park's "Dog Hill," this gangly altar boy will dominate the ski jump event. Soar like an angel, Rep. Wayne! But come back down. Tis city needs you. Louisville's delegation should include local talent to broadcast all the medals our hometown will rack up. Surely two highprofle ambassadors for our city, Mayor Greg Fischer and JCPS Superintendent Donna Hargens, would be up for the task. Tey give lots of speeches. Fischer (in signature monotone): "Donna, isn't it great to be in a compassionate country like Russia, with a truly compassionate leader like Vladimir Putin?" (Uh oh. Fischer's on autopilot. He's spewing his favorite buzzword. Listen to yourself, man!) Hargens: "You bet, Greg. Louisville's presence in Sochi proves that every child can succeed if we collaborate with key partners on high standards while utilizing the most innovative best practices…." You're right. We need a back-up plan: WDRB GM Bill Lamb and the blond woman from the Kia Store commercials ("Te best value for the new economy!"). Tose two sparkplugs know how to talk in front of a camera. And Lamb loves the sound of his own voice! On to the sporting events. Calipari, Petrino, Pitino and Papa John will cram into a four-man bobsled. If they don't win a medal, at least we can count on two to three embarrassing, made-for-TMZ scandals, a championship ring and a slew of selfindulgent commercials by the time they reach the bottom of the hill. Let's put elder statesman and U.S. Sen. Mitch McConnell on ice. Shove him in a bedazzled leotard, clip on a frizzy ponytail, swipe a touch of electric-blue eye shadow on those lids and — poof! — Tonya Harding II is born. Imagine the ripple of his sheer skirt as he leaps into the air and rotates one, two, three times. A perfect triple Salchow. Democrat Alison Lundergan Grimes (a superb Nancy Kerrigan double) glares at her competitor from the stands. Attack ad after attack ad has left her weak in the knees, unable to stand her ground, be it made of ice … or coal. Tori Murden McClure, president of Spalding University, explorer and all-around Wonder Woman, will conquer men's and women's luge, speed skating and the biathlon. Heck, she might accidently trip over a granite stone and win the curling competition. (Side note: To get to Sochi, McClure will not travel by UPS cargo plane with the rest of the Louisville crew but will row the Pacifc Ocean, sprint Mongolia, jump rope Kazakhstan and jog into Russia all while penning her latest book.) Te Yum! Center will also make an appearance. Sort of by accident. A few weeks after Standard & Poor's downgraded the arena's bond ratings (again), the $238 million mess will actually fall into a giant money pit, getting sucked in by the Earth's molten core only to pop up for air in the Black Sea. For an epic ice hockey battle, akin to 1980's Soviet Union vs. United States "Miracle on Ice," let's pit scrappy do-gooders from the Highlands against Anchorage, Louisville's Beverly Hills. Underlying political tensions don't quite reach Cold War levels, but the matchup should stir up some trash talk and shoving. If not, maybe those wealthy docs and lawyers out east will throw punches in hopes of potential new clients. And how can we forget ice dancing? It starts out so full of promise: elegant costumes, dramatic music and ice. So much slippery ice. But the product never quite lives up to expectations. Nary a mighty leap! It's just a couple cozied up as they glide along, spinning. Two entities in complete unison. Former Mayor Jerry Abramson and "Cordish Street Live," lace up your skates!